Thursday, September 22, 2011

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.


One time, this guy handed me a picture of him. He said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older.", "You son of a bitch! How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera!"


I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.


Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

Two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. That is the reason two was created.



I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."


I think Bigfoot is blurry; that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. "Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here."


My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah"


An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?


When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.




On a stop light green means go, red means stop and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on", yellow means "go ahead", and red means "where the fuck did you get that banana at?"

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.


I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls, but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"


I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

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