Louis C.K. Quotes

People ask "What happens after you die?" Actually, lots of things happen after you die. Just none of them include you.

“I’m bored” is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless, it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say “I’m bored.”

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

Women try to compete. They’re like, “Well I’m a pervert. You don’t know. I have really sick sexual thoughts.” I’m like, “No, you have no idea. You have no idea.” “Cause you see, you get to have those thoughts. I have to have those thoughts. You’re a tourist in sexual perversion. I’m a prisoner there. You’re Jane Fonda on a tank. I’m John McCain in the hut.

If you’re a woman and a guy’s ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part
that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.

People say, “My phone sucks.” No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

You’ve got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That’s what optimistic means, you know? It means stupid. An optimist is somebody who goes, “Hey, maybe something nice will happen.” Why the fuck would anything nice happen?

I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.

Young guys, they’re afraid of women. They’re afraid of their feelings. “My girlfriend’s mad at me!” Well, later she won’t be, fucking calm down. They’re afraid of their bodies, they’re afraid of women’s bodies. “My girlfriend’s having her period, what do I do?” Fuck her in the period hole, you idiot, what’s the dilemma? I don’t give a shit, if you’re having your period, come on over. I’m 41, I’ll fuck the shit out of you, I’ll drink the blood, let’s party.

Some things I think are very conservative, or very liberal. I think when someone falls into one category for everything, I’m very suspicious. It doesn’t make sense to me that you’d have the same solution to every issue.

I love to shit. It’s my favorite thing. I don’t know why they call it Number Two. I think it’s easily the best one. In my book, it’s Number One.

As humans, we waste the shit out of our words. It’s sad. We use words like “awesome” and “wonderful” like they’re candy. It was awesome? Really? It inspired awe? It was wonderful? Are you serious? It was full of wonder? You use the word “amazing” to describe a goddamn sandwich at Wendy’s. What’s going to happen on your wedding day, or when your first child is born? How will you describe it? You already wasted “amazing” on a fucking sandwich.

“Fuck it.” That’s really the attitude that’s keeps a family together. It’s not “We love each other!” It’s “Fuck it.”

I just don’t trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there’s been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there’s a part of me that goes, “This can’t be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It’s not like there’s actually more of anything. It’s just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they’re not actually producing anything, it can’t end well.

I know it's not popular to say, but I hate balloons.

I read something in the paper that really confused me the other day. It said that 80 percent of the people in New York are minorities…Shouldn’t you not call them minorities when they get to be 80 percent of the population? That’s a very white attitude, don’t you think? I mean, you could take a white guy to Africa and he’d be like, “Look at all the minorities around here! I’m the only majority.

I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians. And they weren’t even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn’t Indians but we just don’t give a shit. We never correct it. We came here. They’re like, “Hi.” And we’re like, “Hey, you’re Indians, right?” And they’re like, “No.” “No, this is India, right?” “No, it’s not. It’s a totally other place.” “You’re not Indians?” “No.” “Ahh, you’re Indians.” “You’re Indians for hundreds of years after.

There are two types of people in the world: People who say they pee in the shower and dirty fucking liars.

Everything that’s difficult you should be able to laugh about.

I wish I could know everything ever, like that would be my wish – that’s what I hope heaven is, that they tell you who shot JFK and all that stuff.

You don't have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.

When you first get married, you have a relationship that’s so important to you, and you’re working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, “Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her.” And you look at your spouse and go, “Who the fuck are you? You’re a stranger.”

If you’re older, you’re smarter. I just believe that. If you’re in an argument with someone older than you, you should listen to ‘em. Even if they’re wrong, their wrongness is rooted in more information than you have.

If you do something and people think you’re stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.