Steven Wright Quotes

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I drink a lot of coffee before I go to sleep and then I can dream fast.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

One Christmas, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass. He gave my brother a box of bandaids. Then he said to us, “Now, you two share."

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

What's another word for thesaurus?